| "I am not me anymore." | September 28, 2016 | 4:13 am |
I feel alone even when I am not alone. I can be in a room full of people I love dearly, but I still feel like there is no one there anymore. It is nothing they have said or done to make me feel this way. The problem is with me and only me. I hate feeling as though I have no one to turn to and no one understands how I feel. I don’t want to feel this way, its not like I m trying to be difficult.
Living with anxiety and depression changes who a person is. Even though I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life (well as long as I can remember) it did not always consume me. I used to leave me house daily, hang out with friends, shop and really enjoy so many things. I laughed and joked most of the time. I got up every morning did my hair and make up before going to work. These days most of those things just don’t happen any more.
I feel worried, over-whelmed and stressed just getting out of bed everyday (usually toward noon). There is no sitting on the floor with kids in the middle of a glitter blizzard making crafts. I do not bake cookies anymore, hell I don’t even go to work. If at all possible I avoid shopping, honestly I avoid going out any where. Most days I make it to the yard with the kids and that is about as far as I go.
My family has been wonderful and supportive even though when I am in the midst of an attack it seems like the whole world is out to get me. They can tell I am really trying to work though everything. It is not fair to them or myself and I hate that this is happening.
It has been a rough year and I know things will get better. In November I gave birth to my daughter after a hard pregnancy. I was very sick after I had her it took me almost two months to recover due to some complications. While still trying to heal I lost my uncle in December who has always been more like a grandfather. Not long after my Grandmother passed away after a long battle with cancer. I spent everyday with her and so did my children. In the months following we have lost two more family members and had multiple family members in the hospital. With everything happening I also had to make trips to Children’s Hospital for my son because he has a condition with his eyes. I have spent months worried about him going blind.
I know with so much happening it is given my depression and anxiety would be going crazy. I just had no idea it would get this bad. When did this happen? When did it get so bad I am not able to function? I felt sad one day and then before I knew what was happening I was lost. Just like every night for the last 8 months I am going to make a promise to myself to try to be happy tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to keep that promise.
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| "Wedding Bliss." | June 15, 2016 | 12:27 pm |
I am so excited to be planning my wedding. I have found myself taking every spare moment I have to look at everything from food to dresses. We have decided on a black, white and gold color scheme. I am also so very happy that we are using a fairytale theme. I want to do classic story book ideas like the rose from Beauty and the Beast.
As excited as I am to be planning one of the best days of my life (my children being born the other) I am so sad. It is heart breaking to me that my bridesmaids just don’t seem to happy or willing to help. I am not sure if they are caught up in their own lives right now or just don’t want to help. I know their lives may be full with kids, planning their own weddings and working but I asked them to be part of my bridal party for a reason. The reason I asked them is because I want to them to be part of something that is so special to me.
I guess most brides go through the same thing I am right now. I just want everyone to be as excited as I am and that just does not seem like something realistic to ask for.
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| "That place is heaven." | March 23, 2016 | 1:25 am |
Grief is something that has a different meaning to everyone person. I am sad to say my grandmother lost her fight to cancer. It happened about a week ago but I just could not bring myself to write about it. In my mind if I wrote about it then it was fact and actually happened. I have coped with my grief by simply pretending that it has not happened and was just a bad dream. Everything from holding her hand and saying good-bye to collecting the special trinkets she left to us is something my demented mind created. At least that is what I have been telling myself for the last week.
I would get her great grand kids dressed and take them to see her almost on a daily basis. We would walk out the door and head down the road as I would tell them “lets go see Me-maw, Pappy and Grandma. Now we get dressed and head down the road and I start out the same sentence until my mind stops me and I cry. My husband and I have started to try to explain to our two-year old about heaven and how Grandma has went there. He still does not really understand why that sentence makes me cry. We have told him Grandma has went to a better place and that place is heaven.
I spent most of my life living with my Grandmother or right next to her. Through the years she always lived with my parents or in a house next to them. Even when I moved out on my own it was not many years before I moved down the road from her and my parents. I wanted my children to know how wonderful it is to grow up with grandparents. She was a wonderful grandmother who kept a snack drawer and always had an understanding ear. It never mattered that my dad is her son, if he was upsetting me she would always listen to what I had to say and try to get him to see my side.
As hard as it is right now to grasp the fact she is gone the real heart break will set in when the weather is warmer. It will set in when I walk the kids down the road to see my mom and dad and she is not sitting on the porch in the sun reading a book. When she is not there where I always thought she would be smiling at me is when I will truly cry. That will be the moment I will break down and i will know she is gone.
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| "The Mother" | February 13, 2016 | 6:37 am |
Let me start with the fact that I love my kids and husband. With that established… let me go into more detail. I feel over whelmed, under appreciated and generally taken for granted. I find myself taking the “night shift” with our newborn more often just to have time alone. When I am awake it feels as though everyone needs a million things from me. Our thirteen year old need to tell me about his new follower on YouTube. Right after him the nine year old need to tell me all about his new Halo quest. For your FYI I know nothing about Halo except it is played on X Box. After that it is nine in the morning and after no sleep my two year old is awake. He gives me a kiss and demands Paw Patrol and pancakes. While in the kitchen I realize the counters need wiped and I forgot to make bottles for our newborn. At that very moment I pause and notice I did the exact same thing yesterday at the exact same time.
I flash back to a time when I had an important job I would have just been dialing into. I worked as a telephone operator for major companies. When I got pregnant with my fourth biological child I was medically taken out of work. I am used to being up when the sun rises so I can do my make up and hair then heading out the door so I can help the world. I am not used to getting a shower at five in the morning because my bundle of joy has puked on me. When I get so over whelmed with being a “stay at home mom” I tend to freak out. I feel guilty that something that most women would love stresses me.
I take a little five minute break in the bathroom. While I clean the thirty dollar potty chair our son never uses, I remind myself that most women would kill for my life. I have a wonderful husband that manages my OCD breakdowns and take the hardest shift. I have two wonderful older children who help me through my everyday tasks. I was blessed with two year old that can light up any room and newborn daughter that is just like her mommy.
As I drink my third glass of wine I remind myself tonight that tomorrow I will wake up and realize how blessed I am. I will convince myself of the truth… I am still a powerful, smart and independent woman who is doing the most important job in the world. I am cultivating five lives that will change the world. I have the best and most important job in the world… I am a mother.
Motherhood is not exactly the glorified journey you read about, but it is worth every bump in the road. When your child says “you are the best mom and I love you” it just fills that empty space. I am coming to embrace I am a hot mess to everyone in the word, but a wonderful mother in my kids eyes. What more could I ask for?
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